You tell me ???


Hello again and hello again. I’m Billy Flamnigan and it’s time once again for us to settle down together and move on with your quest to turn out expensive and valuable art canvases at home in a half an hour or so, canvases that have the real look and feel of the kind of collectible Art of the Insane that usually has clowns in it, although I’ve pretty much made my reputation on not falling for the clown gambit because I see it as a cheap trick and one suitable only for aging actresses or lounge singers or others who need desperately to get on TV with paintings that are not authentically insane, only cute or affecting. There’s nothing like a crying clown , is there? Well, don’t get me started. They all look like they have knives to me.

Today, we’re going to discuss subject matter, because that’s where the real insanity factor can come into play even if you can’t paint a lick or even if you lick your paints. And if you do lick your paints, don’t do it to the cinnabar, that stuff will take your tongue and mail it to Taiwan on a stick, if you get my drift. What shall I paint, you says to yourself, rolling your eyes to the ceiling. See? There’s an insane metaphor I just came up with and what am I going to do? I’m going to turn it into high-priced, collectible tramp art of the insane. I’ve got my canvas, we showed you last week how to pee on it, and here it’s a pretend week later, although it’s only a TV half-hour, which you can tell by the awful smell here in the studio, if you were here, which you aren’t. And lucky for you, too.

First I’m going to do the eyes, because the ceiling will be orange and I like to get the orange stirred up good – let’s just stir it up with this stick – eyes are round and I’m using a color – doesn’t matter which, they’re pretty much all the same – and put in those dots, whatever they’re called, eyeballs or something. Now we throw the orange from over here. Looks just like Taiwan to me. Those smudges might be palm trees, might be ducks and that’s the kind of insane ambiquity we want. I’ll do the stick with this color, that’s a wonderful color, that one, I suppose it has a name ? Who cares really? Painting in the stick is a little harder and I’m going to use my palette ??? you caught me there, you think I mean my palette knife and that I’ve made a mistake and that’s where you’ll be as wrong as a doorknob on a doughnut. I’m going to take my entire pallete, with my thumb right through the little hole for the thumb, and put it right here ??? and swirl it around here ??? and sit on it ??? and swirl my elegant buttocks around and take a look ??? stand back, not too far back or I’ll be off camera and that wouldn’t be much of a TV show would it?

Looks as surreal as if Tristan Tzara himself had swirled his butt on it and it’s worth a lot more to some collector who himself is insane to be collecting ??? Art of the Insane.

Well, see you next week, when we’ll discuss the kind of expensive and collectible Folk Art made of bottles and slag that you can turn into a drive-in chapel or grotto and sell postcards and live like a prince in a small airstream trailer on the grounds. Bye-bye.